How To Calm Anxiety By Listening To Emotions

We talk about why fear grows when we resist it and how to find calm by treating emotions as messages instead of threats. We share simple ways to shift your nervous system, question the “truth” of anxious thoughts, and use imagination to move toward what you prefer. 
• fear as a normal response that can freeze action 
• the subconscious mind as a safety system that looks for reaction 
• emotions as messages seeking a response rather than a state of being 
• how judgment and resistance lock fear in place 
• sympathetic vs parasympathetic nervous system and why it matters 
• practical tools: long exhales, peripheral vision, relaxing muscles 
• shifting language from “I am” to “there is” to create space 
• asking what the emotion means and what is actually true right now 
• moving from worry to preference and using imagination for solutions 
• a real example with anxiety about selling a home and letting inspiration lead 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:10

We are online.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Blue Jays are calling. They're sitting outside the window staring at me. It's really quite a beautiful, cool day. A little bit of wind. But the sun is shining. There's big shadows. So the sun is strong. Interesting how you can't have shadows without the sun.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

The water's down.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Well, I wouldn't use that word, but it it's less than it was. It's still about oh I would say six inches higher than normal.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

But it's beautiful. I love the cut the contrast of green against the blue.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Yeah.

Finding Peace Inside Fear

SPEAKER_01 0:55

So what do you want to talk about?

SPEAKER_00 0:57

So today we are talking about just finding peace when we're going through fear. Is that a good way of saying it?

SPEAKER_01 1:08

No.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Maybe what do you mean? I think in circumstances we can get caught up in fear. And usually fear is not helpful. And it can make us get stuck or freeze. Pull away from things. And I think it's important to look at the fear for what it is and find peace between you and the fear.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

You're going to trigger so many other emotions, right? You know, when you're feeling fear, you can also get angry. This isn't fair. You know, fear can can really grow quickly because we don't like it, but because we immediately resist it. We sort of that resistance, that judgment, that immediate reaction to fearful things is really the process that keeps it locked in. Yeah, it makes you question just about everything, doesn't it?

Emotions As Messages Not Enemies

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Yeah. I think because I was thinking about this before we started today, is I think because I'm thinking it, it must be true. Right? To the subconscious mind, it's like, oh, because you're thinking this, it must be true.

Breath And Body Reset Tools

SPEAKER_01 2:39

Well, I think the subconscious mind let's remember what it does. It's there to protect you and it's there to remind you to be safe. It's there to get you to act in all the old ways that have kept you safe. So understanding that the subconscious mind wants to keep a lookout, and the subconscious mind uh wants to keep you safe, and what the subconscious mind wants is your reaction, your response. Right? All emotions are seeking response, all emotions are messages, and I think that when you can make that reframe in your mind actively, right, where you no longer see emotions as wanted or unwanted things, you see them as messages, and you take the message rather than the emotion. The emotion is going to tell you, you know, things are unfair and things are dangerous and and you should be scared. And the emotion is really seeking an understanding and a reaction, not simply embracing the emotion. And we really get locked in there. You know, the the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system are instantaneous, right? Uh they will calm you or they will lock you in very, very quickly. And so when you perceive fear or you perceive anger, your physical body's gonna lock in. Your physical body's gonna react. And when your body reacts, and then you're aware of the emotion, and you don't immediately go to what is this emotion wanting of me? What is it communicating? What is it seeking? Which is not what we're taught, right? Little kids aren't taught that. Little kids aren't taught, you know. Today we've moved from a world where we try to deny our emotions and act uh notwithstanding our emotions, to a world where we're telling everybody you're allowed to feel your emotions, and everybody's gonna tell you, you know, let your emotions be. And I think there's value in letting your emotions be until you understand the message. Right? The instant if you practice understanding the message of your emotions, now you're in a position to do something about it. Because it's important to understand that your subconscious mind's been trained since you were little. And most importantly, when you were little, you weren't, you know, a highly rational being. You were a very emotional being, and you were a very reliant being. You turned to others all the time, you know, mostly your parents, to resolve problems in your life. Right? If you were uncomfortable, if you were unhappy, if you were hungry, if you were sad, if you were frustrated, if you were angry, no matter what your emotion was, including fear, you turned to your parents for a solution. And so you would very easily lock into the emotion and then communicate that emotion to your parents. And your parents didn't, you know, they weren't raised to understand their emotions. So they weren't in a position to explain to you what your emotions mean and how you can receive and respond to emotions as they arise. And so those patterns that arise when you're young get locked in. And they just get more and more practiced and more and more practiced to the point where they happen instantaneously and they feel out of control. So this is where, you know, that process of observing your emotions rather than engaging your emotions and hanging on to them. Whenever our reaction to our emotions are things like, this is bad, I don't like this, this isn't fair, this is wrong, this is a problem, you know, those are the times when we're acting, engaging in judgment. And judgment's a big term, but it's it's important to see it. That the judgment, this is wrong, this is bad, I don't like this, I don't want this. That judgment can actually lock, lock it in, can cause you to cling to the emotion, to hang on to it, right? And oftentimes fear is quickly coupled with anger or frustration. So now the emotions are really getting confusing because there's a lot of them. And because we're locking them in and hanging on to them, other emotions are going to arise because we're not taking the message from the first emotion and acting on it. We're taking that message, hanging on to it, then judging it, saying, This is wrong, this is bad, I don't like this, I don't want this. And then that cycles it through and puts other layers of emotions like anger and frustration right on top of it. And now it's churning up inside you, and you're now your sympathetic nervous system has kicked in, your blood pressure's up, your your breathing shrinks. And this is where those techniques that we talked about previously, where you know becoming very aware of your peripheral vision, is a great way to move and shift, to take a long deep breath where you exhale longer than you inhale. These are techniques where you are pushing your body out of the sympathetic nervous system back into the parasympathetic nervous system, and you can start to be a little more rational. Now, really, most importantly, when these moments arise, I think there's value in just recognizing what's going on. I these are all the things we've talked about in past podcasts, right? My body is now taking over, and my mind is shifting to I am afraid, I am angry, I am frustrated. And now my mind is claiming all of that for me. So to immediately take a deep breath and then exhale for much longer than you inhaled, you're taking back control over your body and you're shifting your body. And now in that process, and you can do that a couple of times, you're now sort of saying, Okay, what's going on for me right now? That's when you can shift from I am afraid or I am angry to oh, there's a lot of fear here, or oh, there's anger here. Now we're observing the emotion, right? So this process of breathing, think of it as moving your mind from wherever you're feeling that emotion for many people. It's in the front of their head or it's in their throat, right? It might be in their arms. They're going to feel these emotions. That deep breath takes your focus from that part of your body and actively shift it into what we commonly refer to as your heart center. There's a place in your body where peace resides. When you're feeling peace, that's the place. So if you were to allow yourself in those moments, and this can happen very quickly because these things can all be happening at the same time. And though I explain them sequentially, you can get just as good at this as you are about feeling your emotions and becoming locked down, you know, becoming completely paralyzed or over the top angry or, you know, really, really deeply frustrated with yourself and with life, moving quickly into judgment, right? You can do all of these things at the same time. And you can train your subconscious mind to do them. And so that process of a deep breath followed by the long exhale, moving your mind from the recognition of the spot in your body where you're feeling it to your heart center, moving from an I am perspective to a there is perspective. There is anger, there is fear. Moving into that can all be happening simultaneously. And then when you've done that, you're now in a position to be a little more rational, a little more logical. Now ask yourself, what does the emotion mean? The emotion has a meaning. You know, if it's if it's sadness, you've lost something. If it's depression, you feel alone. If it's anger, things are unfair. You know, when you are when you're in fear, there's some kind of imminent danger. There's some kind of thought that there's some kind of situation that you are interpreting as having an imminent harm for you. Now, with all of these emotions, there's always that message. And when you say there is the emotion, and then you say this is the message of the emotion, you're now in a position to say, well, what's the truth of this? What is the truth of this emotion? Is it is it is it really rational? Is it really imminent? Is it really present? All emotions are seeking satisfaction. All emotions want a response, and the response is the message of the emotion. What can I do now to move myself out of danger? What can I do right now to make the situation fair? How do I go from being alone to being with those that love me?

unknown 13:13

Right?

SPEAKER_01 13:14

You know, what have I really lost in this moment?

unknown 13:19

Right?

Anxiety Story: Selling The House

SPEAKER_01 13:20

And you start to see the elements of truth, but also the elements of illusion in the emotion. You're interpreting a situation. Emotions are the result of interpreting a situation. So you're interpreting the situation to mean something, and maybe it doesn't mean that. But here's the thing: if you can get through that first stage where you take that deep breath, you move to your heart center, you move from I am to observing. And then in that observing, you open yourself to the message of the emotion, and you ask yourself, well, is there anything I can do right now? For many, many people, even doing that much is wonderfully relieving. But they end up with an answer that's not satisfying, which is, no, there's nothing I can do right now. There's so much going on in the world today that there's nothing I can do about it, right? There is no practical response for me to engage right now with this. Right. So, like, before we we go then ultimately to to the mental solution, let's just talk for a minute about what brings on this topic.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

Yeah, well, you know, I'm definitely gonna try this breathing technique when I'm getting blood taken this morning. But what brought this on? Well, it was a mixture of things. I was trying to connect with my guide this morning and just having a hell of a time. And it's funny because I say I can't connect or I'm having trouble connect, but they literally told me, Well, you're you're in a fear state, that's why you're having trouble connecting. But if I got told that, then didn't I connect? You know what I mean? It's so funny sometimes. But I suppose I just had one of those mornings where you wake up feeling nauseous, like anxiety. I woke up at 5 30, took out my earplugs, heard the birds outside, and just thought, oh, I'm gonna lay here in the sunshine and just listen to the birds. And then suddenly an hour's passed by. I wake up, I guess, at 6 30. But again, with anxiety, if you want your you're thinking just talk about the house.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Well, that's what's just you know yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

So uh, I suppose you know, we've got the house for sale as we talk about a lot, and yeah, we're just having in my perception, I should say, my perception is that the you know, the the the world is awry right now, and there's nobody out there that can that's gonna buy our house. And every time we have a showing, it's like, well, it's gorgeous property, but the house is too small. Okay. Well, we can't do anything about that. We can't just make it larger somehow. So we, you know, we're looking for someone who's downsizing, maybe, or you know, like a retired couple or uh I don't know, something. But I get all out of sorts in my mind about how it's not gonna work out, and it just feeds itself, right? Because there's so many things I can point out in the world right now that would make sense for it to not happen in my perception. So anyway, that's sort of where I got caught up this morning with my anxieties and all the stuff. And then I'm wanting to control things, right? I I hop into control and I'm thinking, okay, maybe I can like message the realtor and like get this to happen and this to happen, and like as if that's gonna happen. But anyway.

From Resistance To What I Prefer

Worry Is Imagination, So Is Hope

SPEAKER_01 17:12

Well, and this is what I mean by when we when we feel emotions, we get locked into them as if what we're interpreting is true. And we get locked into them and then we resist them. And that's a form of judgment. I don't want this, this is bad, I don't like this. And that's the process that locks it in and doesn't let us release it. That's that anxiety thing that you know we have a fear and we hang on to the fear because we can't resolve the fear, because the fear is illusory, it is imaginary, it is worry, it is thinking that something might go wrong, it is thinking that there might be danger. And I suppose in this world, it doesn't matter what you're doing, there might be danger, but that doesn't make it useful, helpful, or even rational sometimes to engage that thinking. And so the whole point is to stop that thinking and to think differently as as you engage it. You really, you know, like we all do this. This is all really, really normal. This is this is uh a kind of suffering that uh I think is pervasive in our world today. Some things you can't do anything about, and engaging them with the emotion that you claim to yourself, I am anxious, and then you cycle through, I don't like this, this is bad, I don't want this. And then you you find yourself imagining what can I do? What can I do? What can I do? without having taken the time to examine what it is you're afraid of, right? For many of our clients, you know, all I've got to do, and they say, Oh, I've suffer from anxiety, I say, Well, what exactly are you afraid of? And they say, Well, I don't know, really. I can't be specific. And that's just a fear response out of control. And because it's a fear response, it's in the body and the body reinforces it. And what we're talking about are just methodologies to use your mind differently than you have in the past. Without judgment, without telling yourself you're wrong, you're bad, you're weak, or you're somehow inadequate, right? Which is where we go when we hang on to these emotions that we don't like. It's important to see that process of saying, I don't like this, I don't want this, as a kind of a judgment, right? It's a kind of a judgment without an answer. So now if you can immediately, when you're experiencing the emotion, you can take that deep breath and you can try to move into your heart center and you can exhale long and slow, and you can move into your peripheral vision, not focused on anything. You know, close your eyes if you like. But if you can move into your peripheral vision and have long exhales after you're breathing in, then mentally move yourself into your heart center and observe what's going on. You are not these emotions. Emotions come and go, and they're meant to come and go. They're meant to flow. They're meant to bring a message and then go away. That's what they're meant to do. They're meant to stimulate motivation and then go away. They're meant to get a response and then go away. And some things just can't be responded to. Some things don't have an immediate response. So the centering process, deep breath, long exhale, close your eyes, use your peripheral vision, step away from the emotion. There's anger, there's fear. And then examine the truth of it. What is the message? The message is I'm in imminent danger. What is the truth of that? Well, no, I'm not in imminent danger. It's not something bad going to happen like right now. Nine times out of ten, that's the truth. Other than a tiger coming running at you, the the the danger is almost never imminent. But that's the way our body and our mind responds, as if that tiger's running at us. But in that calmer state, in that clearer state, in that detached state, right? And the Buddhists really promote this and practice this. And I've found it to be really, really helpful myself. I don't do it very often. And when I do it, it's like, wow, why don't I do this more often? And it's it's just okay. Uh it's not that I am afraid, it's that there is anxiousness here. There is fear here. What am I afraid of? What is this fear calling me to do? Well, most of the time, it's not calling you to do anything except continue to breathe. And when you've gone through this process over and over and over and over, now you're finally in a position really to shift. You're in a position to shift as soon as you stop the resistance, stop the judgment, and say, okay, well, what would I want instead? Now this is this is like throwing a switch now, right? This is this is major league. If I can get myself to the state where I'm using my mind again instead of my mind using me, when I'm using my mind again, so that I have now moved away from the judgment, I'm observing the emotion, I'm understanding its message. Now I can ask myself, well, what do I prefer? What would I want? What do I want instead of this? Nine times out of ten, we're in positions where we're angry and there's nothing we can do about it. We're afraid and there's nothing we can do about it. We're depressed and there's nothing we can do about it. We're feeling these things and we're locked into them because we don't want them. What we want is the message. What we want is the understanding of the emotion so we can resolve it, so we can act in a in a useful, resolving way towards that emotion. And that's where what do I want instead is a really useful response. Remember, it's your mind, it's all in your mind. It's almost never really out there. I mean, I don't know anybody who's been attacked by a tiger in the last hundred years. So I think that although our body and our mind will react as if the tiger's right there, what we need to do is practice this process of centering ourselves, detaching from the emotion, looking for the message of the emotion, determining the truth if there's anything I can do right now, and then immediately moving to what would I prefer? What do I want? What would I really want to have happen? So now we're we're really connecting to our deeper self, to our deeper mind, to our more useful mind. Our imagination mind is a really useful mind. It's an inspiration-level mind, and that's what you're looking for. You're looking for inspiration because nothing is going to make you feel better than acting towards what you prefer. That is absolutely what the emotion wants from you. The emotion, the subconscious mind wants you to do something to help this emotion go away, to make this danger go away, to make this anger, this unfair situation go away. So, what would I prefer? You've got to dwell in that for a minute. And then the simple question is, you know, how can I how can I make that happen? What could I do to move towards the solution? What could I do to move forward into something that feels better? So that act of imagination, I think is always important to understand that the imagination you use to think about what you prefer is the same imagination that you are using to create your worry, what you're afraid of, because it's not there. If the tiger isn't like right in front of you, it's not real and it's not imminent, and it's not now, and it is very much being created in your mind. So it's the same part of your mind that has been kind of trained badly. We are trained to use our imagination to worry, to anticipate negative, to figure out what awful thing can happen, to try to imagine how bad it can get. It's imagination. It's just imagination. That's the nature of worry. By using the same imagination, say, well, what do I want? What do I prefer? Right? If you're going to dismiss it because it's imagination, it's imagination, whether you're worrying or you're imagining preference. It's the same idea. You are creating in your mind a situation that has not yet actually come about. So knowing that now, knowing that my worry is imagination and my preferences are imagination, this is where you get to make a choice. It's hard to make that choice when your heart's beating fast, when your pupils are dilated, when your muscles are all tense, right? And that's why the deep breath and moving to your heart center and that long exhale and that using your peripheral vision and deliberately relaxing your muscles, right? This is the valuable part that allows your mind to start to become more deliberate and less reactive. So when we get to that place and we see the truth, which is most of the time, what I'm afraid of is not upon me. It's in fact my imagination. I am imagining what can go wrong. Worry is an act of imagination. So now I take that and I shift it into what do I want? And now I'm in the place where where real inspired action can happen. And what you're going to find, and this is the beautiful part of it, what you're going to find as soon as you get to that place, the emotion is gone. Because that's all emotions want. Emotions want to come, they want to send a message, then they want to go. That's what they're there for. That's the true value of them, and they're wonderful things when you use them that way, right? When you use emotions that way, they're wonderful. When you use them as a state of being, and they become a state of being when you say, I am afraid, I am angry. They become a state of being. When they're just a message, and you say, Oh, there's anger here. Well, something must be unfair. Well, what's unfair here? Is it really unfair? Oh, I can make it fair really easily. And then we approach it calmly, and we instead of lashing out or instead of being hurtful, we are adjusting, and our imagination works really, really well. Well, this is what I want. I would like our situation to be like this. You find it in the middle of a conversation where you just you're not liking the words that are flying around. You find it in the situation like we're in in the world where there's really nothing I'm gonna do about the street of Hormuz. There's nothing I can do about that and all the fallout that comes from it, right? But what I can do is imagine what would a world in peace be like, right? And what can I do to add peace to the world? What can I do to bring peace to this situation that I'm in? What can I do to help me move forward towards selling my home? What is in my control and under my power to get to that place where I see a sold sign and I sit with that, and the emotion just dissipates then. It's just dissipating because your mind is now shifting into what that emotion was meant to be doing, was moving you towards motivation.

SPEAKER_00 29:37

It's almost like I spent a lot of time, and maybe I just need to get back to it, but a lot of time imagining that sold sign and imagining moving. And I think so much so that my mind thought it had already happened or that it was imminent, like coming like the next day kind of thing. And I mean, that's what happens when we imagine the the the subconscious mind doesn't know if it's happening right now or or not. So I suppose when it doesn't happen the next day or that week or that month, it's like, God, what's happening here? You know. So it's confusing.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

And then I wonder what's intuition and what's not intuition, and what you know, what's fear and what's intuition, and if it's the same along the same lines, and yeah, all that and more mind's an amazing thing, and it's all that's the center of everything.

SPEAKER_00 30:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:35

And nothing exists except in our mind.

SPEAKER_00 30:39

Yeah. So what I keep hearing, you know, when I do go into a little bit of meditation about it is just to keep cleaning and prepping and making the outside and inside look great and just keep living in it. You know, don't disconnect from it. Just keep living in it. Because there's really nothing else to do.

SPEAKER_01 31:02

Right. Unless you're inspired. This is where something beautiful can come about.

SPEAKER_00 31:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:08

When you're staying focused on what you prefer and you open your mind to what can I do, you might get some really interesting inspiration. Inspiration you didn't anticipate, even an idea that you think sounds kind of nuts.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 31:26

Well, our blue jays have been replaced by a woodpecker. So blue jays symbolize communication, wisdom. We were visited by blue jays. They were just staring at me, they were not even 10 feet away, looking me right in the eye. And now that we're sort of done the podcast, I got a woodpecker. I wonder what a woodpecker symbolizes. Hard work?

SPEAKER_00 31:47

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Hard head, me?

SPEAKER_00 31:52

Hard-headed meat pecking away at life.

SPEAKER_01 31:58

Yeah, that's all peck away.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:01

Use your imagination for what you want, not what you don't like.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for hanging out today. We're gonna get going here. Got some blood work to do. Fun fun. Thanks. Have a great day, too. All right. We will see you later.