If The Mind Is A River, Why Are We Building Dams?

We explore how a single reframe can turn chores, stress, and daily noise into a lighter way of moving through life. We share tools for catching negative thoughts, building better habits, and using quick resets like self‑hypnosis and music to recover joy.

• choosing to carry tasks lightly and joyfully
• the first reframe: I am not my thoughts
• thoughts as habits and how to change them
• meditation parallels and staying with the choice
• workplace well‑being and why it matters
• contrast as a motivator for change
• negative thoughts weighing more than positive
• preloaded phrases and self‑hypnosis as daily practice
• fast state resets with music and breath
• turning awareness into practical action

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:10

We are on the line.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

On a wispy day with wispy clouds in the sky and the snow's on the ground and the river's still open, but it's still kind of warm. And there's a lot that went on between getting up at 6 30 and starting the podcast at 7 30.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

I learned a lot.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Yeah, he just pulled a card.

Choosing Lightness In Daily Chores

SPEAKER_00 0:32

That that too? That wasn't even what I was thinking about. You know, I woke up and I started doing my self-hypnosis. And uh I just decided that I needed to lighten up. And this is very consistent with what talking about happiness. You know, and I gave myself I had free will and the power to live joyfully, lightly and joyfully, is what I said. So lightfully and joyfully to myself. And of course, as soon as I woke up, I realized it was garbage day and I had to get the garbage in. You were like fucking and when I was you were gonna have to bleep that. And then I realized I was gonna have to move the snow before I could take the garbage out. And I knew that I want to go to the gym and that I need the driveway cleared. So then it was hanging on to that idea. I moved through my life joyfully and lightly, and I shoveled the front porch, carried the garbage out, took out the snowblower, and blew the path for the car to get out of the driveway. I came in, some lovely person had a coffee waiting for me. And I thought, you know what? That's probably partly my creation with my thoughts. I was doing what would otherwise be kind of dreary. Oh, God, I gotta do this, right? And I was actively pushing my mind to live lightly and joyfully. Lightly and joyfully. Lightly, I think, is so much more critical these days than joyfully.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

What do you mean by that?

Meditation, Distraction, And Choice

SPEAKER_00 2:12

Well, what happened was we sat down here to start getting prepared for the podcast, and this saying came to me from years ago, a book, one of the first spiritual books I ever read when I was like 23 or something, which was Dinosaurs. Yeah, that kind of I was waiting for you to say that. And um and it says, we don't get what we want and we suffer, we get what we don't want and we suffer. Even when we get what we want, eventually we suffer. And it brought me back to the idea that our natural state is joy. And the thing of it is, it's the way we think of our lives that steals that joy, blocks that joy, puts up barriers to that joy. And we're in the habit now of just putting those blocks up. Now that's really normal, right? Let's not all get self-condemning about that. If you find that that applies to you, well, it just makes you normal, right? We don't want to be normal. That's our quest. That's my quest. I don't want to be, I don't, I don't want to live life normally. I don't want to use my mind normally, I don't want to be a normal person suffering their way through this world. And so it reminded me of a lot of things, but in that in that hour and embracing that old first reframe, the first reframe that I teach everybody. I am not my thoughts, I am the thinker. I can choose what I do. And by choosing, you know, I am free to live my life joyfully and lightly. It changed the way taking the garbage out felt. It changed the way clearing the driveway felt. It absolutely changed my mood and my state of mind, as we say. I couldn't count the number of times I've shoveled snow and taken out the garbage. Today was better. I can choose what I think, I can use my self-hypnosis to change my mood, I can lighten up, and I can stop suffering. And all of a sudden, I go from feeling oppressed by life to feeling carried by life.

SPEAKER_01 4:46

And you had to make like a dedicated choice to do so.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

I had to choose it. I woke up this morning, and you know, I think that it's I think that it shows the value of being deliberate in your thinking. It shows the value. I mean, I've learned that value. It wasn't something I'm naturally good at. I'm uh probably would be called by some a complainer and uh a problem creator by nature. I'm I was I was meant to be a lawyer because I could find the problems with everything. Right? And I think that those were skills that I had honed and developed that weren't, well, they might have been worthwhile to my clients, but they weren't helpful in the way I would live my life. And then actively trying to change that for lots of years um has fruit, you know, it's born fruit. And I'm not trying to be a smart aleck or a show off. It's really just in line with our topic, you know, when when can I be happy? When will I allow myself to be happy? What is it that makes me happy? Like does something really make me happy, or is happiness my natural state that I block with my thoughts? And so I I just I came to the conclusion that let's just talk about that today. Let's just talk about the way we interfere with our own happiness.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

Text barking, yes, I guess. Yeah, I think about when what comes to mind is people meditating and how we get frustrated with ourselves because we have a hard time, you know, focusing or emptying the mind or or yeah, just letting go of of thoughts. And so we get frustrated with ourselves that we can't do that, and then we think we can't meditate. And I know this is gonna tie in somehow. I know there's a thing here. So then I think about okay, well, choosing to be happy, choosing to remove those barriers. That is sort of like choosing to meditate, and but how do you how do you stay in that choice? How do you not let the straggly thoughts of the day get in the way of that happiness? Right? Just like meditating, how do you not let the the thoughts of what do I need at the grocery store to come in and you know, wreck your happiness, wreck your peace? Does it does that make sense? Uh I I know there's a circle there somehow.

Thoughts As Habits And Self‑Hypnosis

SPEAKER_00 7:39

Well, you know what I come back to in response to that is you know, we we we have a tendency to be hard on ourselves, to be tough on ourselves, to get frustrated and angry with ourselves, which never solves a problem, never makes things better. But I think you start with the awareness, and and I think this is critical. That's why I end up saying it every day. I say it to myself all the time. Thoughts are habits, they don't have to mean anything. They're gonna come up. I don't have to pay them attention. I can choose what I think. I can change what I'm thinking about. You know, if I just remember that I am normal and my mind works in a certain way to protect me and take care of me, which is about just moving habits, moving ideas, moving me in systematic ways every day to just take care of me and protect me. You know, my mind is always doing that. And if I'm just aware that it's going to do that, and I stop fighting it, I stop criticizing it, I just allow it, I also give myself the opportunity to change it. Right? Like it's uh that analogy of the river, right? If you're going to try to block a river, you're gonna create a mess. But if you figure out how to use the river to turn a mill, you're gonna get a lot of work done. You're gonna do some really great things. If things are gonna flow the way they're gonna flow, what can I do to grab some of that flow and use it for my purpose? If my thoughts are habits, and right now those negative thoughts are habits, I can turn my thoughts into positive habits. And that's why I'm such an advocate of self-hypnosis. That's why I'm such an advocate of having a daily practice, because I found that's the thing that helps me. So it's embracing the fact that these are habits, I think. That's step one. These are habits, and that means I can create new habits. Habits are created over time. I can create new ones.

SPEAKER_01 9:57

Yeah. And I think it's a it's a choice that one has to make to start down the habit path. You know, I don't think unless there's some revelation or or something wakes you up suddenly in your mind to make a change. I think it has to be a a dedicated choice until it it doesn't have to be a choice until it's subconscious.

Well‑Being At Work And Beyond

SPEAKER_00 10:26

And it can be. We have a long list of clients that prove that. We have uh our own uh practices that prove that. The evidence is out there, you know. This is the beautiful thing is this is the kind of stuff we're really studying, we're really paying attention to, you know, just general uh well-being, right? The the the awareness of the commitment to the enjoyment of generalized well-being. There's something that the whole world of positive psychology is spending a lot of time on. And, you know, I think there's lots of good things going on out there today with some really wonderful employers who are aware that an employee that's healthy and mentally healthy and has a good work-life balance is actually a more productive worker. And they're not just more productive, they're more productive in an environment that they're contributing to positively, which helps their coworkers be more productive because there becomes an example and a tone to the workplace that keeps everybody coming in, you know, and they they use typical measures like sick days and and you know, generalized productivity results, but there's so much more to it. You know, employee loyalty is huge, right? When it doesn't take a lot of math to know that to hire somebody costs a lot of money, and if they don't last very long, that's a lot of waste of money, right? And so to go through that, companies are you know they're bottom line focused, but some of them are rising to a higher level, and they're realizing that anything they can do to increase the well-being of their people is going to serve them in their purpose.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Am I a good boss for a company?

SPEAKER_00 12:33

Well, I wanted to, I was waiting, I was waiting for your review to bring all this up.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

We have good company.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

Uh yes, I'm a very lucky, lucky employee.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

He's just saying that. Oh my gosh.

Happiness As A Way Of Traveling

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Anyway, that's sort of a sidetrack to sort of, you know, to talk about this idea of happiness. And you know, we we still haven't addressed the big question of what am I waiting for so I can allow myself to be happy. And I come back to that thing that I mentioned yesterday, but you know, happiness is not a destination, it's a way of traveling. I'm either going to go through my life feeling light, positive, joyful, or I'm not. And believe it or not, that is a choice. You can you can make the choice. To do it, I think, starts with what we talked about yesterday. You know, I don't know how many people might have engaged that little exercise of, you know, what are the things? What does happiness mean to me? And maybe the thought to go deeper is what are the things that I allow to interfere with my happiness? What are the things that I suffer? What are the things that I resist? What are the things in my life that take away my happiness? And I can see, I can understand that it's the way I think about the thing. I don't know anybody that says, boy, I hope to take out the garbage today. But, you know, taking out the garbage is a fact of life, it's a very useful and healthful thing to do. It has wonderful positive impacts, if you consider the alternative.

SPEAKER_03 14:41

Yeah.

Using Contrast To Spark Change

SPEAKER_00 14:45

And the way we think of it is whether or not we suffer when we do it, or whether we can carry it lightly and joyfully out to the end of the driveway and drop it off. And can we be aware of that stuff? So as you as you go through your day, you know, see yourself from a kind of outside view, you know, use that awareness of the mind that can observe the mind and observe the thoughts that are going on. And when you start to feel that unhappiness, that frustration, that suffering, that dissatisfaction, whatever it is that isn't happiness, what am I thinking about? How am I thinking about it? Why am I thinking that way? If there's a real problem, that's your opportunity. That analysis will lead you to fixing it. If there isn't a real problem, then that analysis will reveal to you that it's about the way you think. And then the question is, how do I want to think instead?

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Yeah, I think we have to be aware of the contrast of it. Right. The contrast is a uh I had someone recently hear me talk about contrast a lot, and and they were having a hard time understanding it. So I wonder if, you know, if you want to write down, we can write down explaining contrast, the idea of it, how it influences our life. Sometimes I think about the easiest way, I suppose, to think about it. I'm sure there's lots of examples, but just thinking about the idea of hitting rock bottom, that idea. And there's gotta be something better. And so to feel into that contrast of better is important. But I think contrast is very subjective, if that's the right word. It's every day, it's a little different. You know, your contrast less for something is going to be different than my contrast for the same thing, right? How I feel about it, what it makes me do or not do. Even I'm having a hard time explaining it, but I think we need to feel the contrast in order to make a change, right? Otherwise we just sit in, we just go through life oblivious.

Becoming Master Of The Mind

Negative Thoughts Weigh More Than Positive

SPEAKER_00 17:22

I think that that's really uh the nature of our purpose, you know, is that people have minds. We all have minds, and for most of us, most of our lives, our mind just does what it wants to do. Based in habits, based on programs that we were given when we were very young, that we had no capacity to question and had no control over in many ways. When you're young, you know, the programs go in in part because they're supposed to, you're supposed to listen, you're supposed to do what you're told, right? And the programs go in. And so there isn't a there isn't a critical factor that's going to buffer them out. And even as adults, you know, our critical factor isn't nearly as strong as we would like it to be. Anyway, with that said, you know, it's it's okay to spend our lives being mindful of what's going on in our mind. If we're if we're happy, that's where we're experiencing happy. When we're having pleasure, that's where we're experiencing pleasure. When we're feeling success, that's where we're feeling success, right? The good and the bad is all taking place in the mind. It's the place, it's the platform, it's the it's the part of us that experiences good and bad. It's the place where it's all coming together. So the mind is the center of our being. You know, I have a t-shirt that says, I am a mind. And I think sometimes it's good to think of it that way, right? My body responds to my mind, my world is interacted with, starting with my mind. And so, yeah, I have a mind, I am a mind, I'm functioning through a mind, I am the awareness of the mind, and being aware of my mind allows me to stop being a victim of it and be the master of it. And that's the goal, I think. That's the goal, and it's a long, slow one. But with every little success, there are these rewards of joy and happiness that come forward. There are these feelings of relief from the negative. I know we're short on time today. There's just one more thing I wanted to talk about, and it really just flows into this. Bumped into an idea the other day that was, I was told was a study, and I looked it up, and it appears to be a study from the University of Cambridge. But here's the thing. What they came to the conclusion that negative thoughts have a bigger impact on our well-being than positive thoughts, right? So you'd ask yourself, well, which is better to do? Walk around with positive thoughts or control my negative thoughts? And the answer is controlling your negative thoughts. That negative thoughts, I think, and I think they're hardwired in sometimes. I feel like we really, really are big on the fears and the resentments. But the point that I'm trying to make is being aware of your thoughts and catching negative thoughts, right? We should probably do a whole podcast on that. Catching negative thoughts will have a bigger impact on your overall sense of well-being than trying to churn positive thoughts. It's not that positive thoughts don't help. The study was really clear. Positive thoughts do help. And when positive thoughts replace negative thoughts, they help even more. And when there's an awareness of negative thoughts and an intentional suppression of negative thoughts, which is just that first reframe. I am not my thoughts. I can choose what I think. I choose not to think this way, I choose not to think of this, I choose not to think about that. You know, that that actually has a bigger impact in your well being, which, you know, I'll say has a bigger impact on your natural state of joy and happiness to come forward.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

Are we looking for a neutral thought? Like, are we looking to be neutral? If we can't always have positive thoughts going on, we're wanting to be neutral.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Well, that's a whole can of worms. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna go up my limp and say there are no neutral thoughts. Oh there are no neutral thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

And being aware of how any thought makes you feel, does it carry me up or does it carry me down? Does it lighten the load or does it increase the load? Does it lift my heart or does it cause me concern or fear or worry? And choose quite literally on the basis of how it makes you feel.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

Do you know, I know you just brought up that study, but do you know what they say to do with the negative thoughts? Like, are you just supposed to say, nope, not today?

SPEAKER_00 22:52

Well, this is this is part of my ongoing less than satisfaction with modern psychological science. They don't really go that far. What they'll do now is they'll say, well, this is the case. And then some scientists will say, Oh, let's come up with some positive thoughts and we'll put people through that and see where that goes.

SPEAKER_03 23:13

Yeah.

Preloaded Thoughts And Quick Resets

SPEAKER_00 23:13

So this didn't take it so much further. They they just say that, you know, like science tells you, this is this is the science premise. Positive thinking and optimism correlates with better well-being, resilience, and life satisfaction. That's science. And I'm being frank to say, like, I didn't need you to tell me that. I'm already there. I I can figure that one out from my own life experience. I don't need some scientist to say, oh, that's evidence-based now. So you feel free to be optimistic because it's now evidence-based. I I'm I kind of get frustrated with that. But what's good for a lot of people, you know, there's a lot of people out there who just say that thinking positive and saying affirmations is a great big waste of time. And well, apparently not.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

It's science.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

There you go. But if we go back to the premise, you know, the question, what am I waiting for for my happiness? Why can't I allow myself to be happy now? And we take that to what is keeping me from if if happiness is my natural state, it's the way I want to be, it's the pursuit of everyone, what's getting in the way? What's getting in the way is my own interpretation of my own life. And why when my interpretation is negative, it is complaining, it is criticizing, then my overall mental demeanor is going to be negative. That's going to block any sense of happiness, any ability to be joyful in the moment, regardless of what I'm doing. So getting a hold of those thoughts, having that mindfulness, having that awareness, getting a hold of those thoughts and saying, I don't want to think that, having something to turn to. You know, I joke about having preloaded thoughts. They're there, I'm ready to go. And that's to me one of the benefits of self-hypnosis. I can just jump to my self-hypnosis practice and start saying things to myself. And it might not suddenly miraculously turn me around, but it's the process, it's the beginning of the process. And if I have a commitment of turning my commitment to turning myself around, yeah, then I'm going to find something. I'm going to find a thought. I'm going to find an activity that I might say makes me happy. But what it really does is it takes away my focus on the negative. And yeah, you want a fast one, you want an easy one? Pick your favorite song and put it on. Pick your favorite song and put it on. No matter what state you're in, you want to feel better, pick your favorite song. And it's just your favorite song of today. It's not your favorite song of all time. You don't got to suffer over what songs you're going to pick. Pick one that you say, this is the one I want right now. This one brings me joy. This one makes me happy. More importantly, this one removes my negative vibration for a period of time. Music is powerful.

Music As A Fast Mood Shift

SPEAKER_01 26:31

Yeah. All right, everyone. Have a wonderful day. And we will see you.